Why don’t you just leave me…

to pack up the kitchen after you’ve eaten dinner and decided it was time for you to go to bed.  And you wonder why I’m grumpy.  Thanks, I would love to clean up after you after I’ve been on my feet all day at work, went to the supermarket on the way home, and cooked you your meal.  I love not being able to sit down after work – and you wonder why I don’t get to bed until late…..

grumpy wife says

 

 

 

Oh you have a good life!

 

 

Fantasy foreplay

Speaking of your wife not wanting to have sex with you…

If, for some reason, your wife does submit to your endless, incessant pestering to have your way with her, then I’ll tell you this now.  To get herself warmed up for you, she’s probably fantasising about someone else.  Usually this is someone quite unrealistic, someone quite unreachable, someone like….  Freddie Mercury.  Whilst he was largely gay, a woman likes a challenge to reach someone unreachable.  Like a married man.  Your wife plays out a video in her head, fantasising about having her way with a married man.   Usually this scene depicts a hopeless romantic, fulfulling every single need.  In the romantic version, he will caress her, take her clothes off slowly, kiss her, fondle her, run his fingers through her hair.  In the rough and ready version, he will have his way with her, perhaps barely taking each other’s clothes off, and probably against a wall.

Why don’t you be the MAN in this scenario?

grumpy wife says

 

 

 

Unrealistic realistic.  Fantasy dreamland.

Sex is a chore

Please don’t ask me for sex every day.  Women are not wired like men.  We do not think about it every minute of every day.  I thought it would wear off as you got older, but it seems as though it’s getting worse as you get older – almost as though you’re resorting to your 15 year old self.  Grow up.  Women do get headaches.  The last thing we want to do when we lie down in bed is put out.  We are TIRED when we get to sleep.  Who decided it was your statutory right to decide that you should be having sex no less than one time a week?  I once had a friend who said she enjoyed watching women on women pornography (rather than male to female) because it was as though a women was creating the scene – romantic and loving.  A back rub during our deepest part of sleep doesn’t cut it.  Being nice to me for five minutes before you crack a hard-on and rub it on my back isn’t inviting.  What about the rest of the time when you’re a complete arsehole to me?  Oh, and when we say we have our period, get over it.  We do have it and we’re not making it up.  Do you think we’d pretend to have massive cramps in our ovaries, enough to make us sick?  Do you honestly think we enjoy feeling fat and bloated, a blubbering mess with facial pimples?   Nah… don’t worry about all that, we’ll just forget all of that.  We’ll put out for you just because YOU want it.

If there are any women out here, and would like to contribute to this post, please feel free to leave a comment with your all too familiar excuses.

grumpy wife saysNo.

Do NOT show me your penis again…

OH MY GOD.  You keep on asking me why I’m so grumpy all the time.  You say that I never used to be this grumpy.  Maybe I wasn’t this grumpy before because we were in the honeymoon period and you were trying to impress me.  Impress me with your civilised, respectable, cultured, gentlemanly nature – and now you’ve just turned into some sort of wild animal where all you want to do is pull down your pants in front of me.

I do NOT want to see your penis in ANY of the following circumstances – when I’m cooking dinner, watching TV, eating dinner (nothing could turn me off more than seeing your hairy, smelly slong flopped out – in fact, I could almost vomit), brushing my teeth – really?  In fact, I’d prefer not to see your penis at all.  What on earth has made you think that I wish to see it on an hourly basis?

grumpy-wife-says

Put it away.  If I wanted to see it, I would ASK.

What is wrong with YOU, stupid husband?